Part 9: The Power of Abandonment
In the NOSC follow up posting, I posited some ideas about gender differences around NOSC. I’m going to expand those theories out to relationships and more. Again, I’m referring to between men and women since I’m heterosexual.
I was once sitting in the Whole Foods at Union Square in NYC and ended up having a two hour conversation with a young guy about my theories over gender differences, and I’ll try to recreate the gist of it here.
Throughout most of humanity, men had to learn to court women and deal with rejection. Prior to modern medicine, a lot of women and children died in childbirth, and the gender in less supply is more in demand and gets to set the rules. That’s why it’s been Cinderella in the past, and today ubiquitous porn.
Because male genitalia are external, I wonder if this is why men learn to hide their emotions, so as not to visibly broadcast any information. Women have the luxury of being emotional since we don’t, for example, exhibit overt signs of being in heat. I do have one interesting story. Years ago before I learned about the autoimmune / gluten connection, I was on bio identical hormone therapy to deal with hormone fluctuations, and I was taking progesterone and testosterone to balance things out. (Incidentally, for me avoiding gluten, sugar, and nightshades quieted the autoimmune symptoms, rendering bio identical hormone replacement therapy unnecessary.)
Anyway, at one point, there was a serious snafu. The compounding pharmacy told me they had found a way to drastically reduce the amount of testosterone they were giving me as the updated formula was much more concentrated. I didn’t realize the doctor didn’t get the memo, and I began to get the old dose with the new formula. It took me about two weeks to realize something was seriously wrong, as I’d become a bouncy, chirpy polecat who was horny all the time, and then my voice started to crack. That’s when I finally put two and two together.
So I stopped the testosterone cold turkey, and three days later, got tested. When the results came back, the doc was alarmed because even three days later, the testosterone levels were well over 50% higher than they were supposed to be. I explained what had happened with the dosage. He looked me in the eye, concerned, alarmed, and amused all at the same time, and asked: so, are you feeling jittery? Horny? Aggressive? He arched his eyebrow. Like a man?
Women often complain that men are dogs. What I learned after that experience, is what a miracle that there are men who are even capable of acting like gentlemen, if that’s how they feel all the time.
There are various gender population imbalances all over the world. Because of China’s one child policy there were more boys than girls. You would think this is great for the girls but I’ve also read that this has led to kidnappings of both boys by families wanting a son, and girls into forced marriages who are treated like servants. My understanding is Middle Eastern countries with their brutal treatment of women are also imbalanced with more men than women. It’s possible or likely that having more males than females leads to frustration and violence by males in society.
With modern medicine, the tables have turned. There are still less girls than boys, but as they age, there end up being more women than men because women outlive men and modern medicine has cut down on women’s mortality rates. Clearly, there are benefits to this for women, and also challenges since women haven’t had the benefit of learning through the millennia how to live and love when the sex ratios are turned.
I suspect Hollywood has a negative effect in a number of ways: this is hard on women in terms of portraying impossible standards of youth and beauty as a Hollywood “norm”, and hard on men because they may grow up thinking the fantasy is the reality, until they have to live in the reality where most Americans are overweight or obese and 9 out of 10 autoimmune sufferers are women (my personal experience is that obesity is really inflammation, and the autoimmune protocol - AIP - allows my weight to normalize without going on a diet).
Continuing the thoughts on Hollywood - I’m actually a “reverse racist”, meaning you couldn’t pay me any amount of money on this planet to trade my genetic makeup for anyone else’s. And I have some challenging health issues to boot. Why do I say this? Being Asian born and raised in the US during the 60s and 70s, I would enjoy watching television but I never saw anyone who looked remotely like me on television, so it was always a fantasy for me. Whereas most whites see themselves, and I wonder how difficult is it to separate fantasy from reality when that’s the case? Life must be a letdown for many, and I’ve wondered if this contributes to the opioid crisis.
Asians tend to eat rice more than grains (harder in the US if you eat out). Rice doesn’t have gluten so Asians who still eat mostly traditional Asian diets are less exposed to gluten issues, and we tend to age differently than our western counterparts. I wonder if this is why Asians are often thought of as being “wise”; I don’t think we’re any more or less intelligent than our similarly aged western counterparts, but we can look years and even decades younger. Recently maids I hired to clean our Tampa FL townhouse to sell told me my dad has the energy of a 3 year old (they were stunned to learn he’s 78, and he’s still somewhere around 100 pounds).
I’ve said that in general women tend to think more holistically, and men are able to compartmentalize much better than women. This is why what goes on in my brain is like a combinatorial explosion - because I am a polymath there is a lot of information, and I can make a lot of connections. Because of the overwhelming amount of information, I don’t always get it right, and then it helps when men who compartmentalize better say something.
Because of this combinatorial explosion I found Littlefinger’s comment in July 30, 2017’s episode of Game of Thrones to accurately describe how I operate:
Don’t fight in the North or the South. Fight every battle everywhere, always in your mind. Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once. Live that way and nothing will surprise you. Everything that happens will be something that you’ve seen before.
Because women tend to think more holistically, it’s why when it comes to relationships we tend to have to click on a lot of levels before we want to get involved with someone - with respect to physical compatibility, intellect, capability for emotional intimacy, etc. We can’t separate all of that out the way men can. Many men, on the other hand, seem to have the ability to separate out physical from emotional intimacy.
In general I think this is why women aren’t as able to truly effect sex with no strings attached. Many women find sex to be empty without emotional intimacy. Conversely, it seems men connect with emotional intimacy through sex, hence men generally don’t like friend zoning. I read an illuminating comment that women often rely on other women for emotional support, and friend zoning men yet treating them the same way as their women friends - engaging in emotional intimacy without sex - is hardest on men.
I think because women tend to think more holistically, generally this is why they are able to take better care of themselves than men, and I think this contributes to their longer life spans. The downside? We are more forward thinking and see many more things, so we’re likely to think oh no, look at all these things we have to consider. I’m not capable of handling all of that. I think this is why there aren’t as many women who make it to the top level ranks, or run for public office, etc. (besides the fact that women may still take on a disproportionate amount of effort with respect to child-rearing.) Those who are there, however, likely do well because they’ve surmounted the additional obstacles of thinking holistically.
Because men compartmentalize better, my theory is it’s easy for them to think they can do something, and as they run into obstacles, they solve them one at a time within the confines of each particular compartment. They tend to accumulate more experiential data more quickly by operating this way, and they’re less likely to be overwhelmed. I think this is why men tend to have greater confidence and are inclined towards action more quickly than women. I also think because of their ability to compartmentalize better, men are at a disadvantage if they are not taught at an early age to think about the reasons behind why things happen. I think not being taught this early can negatively impact the quality of their entire life.
I don’t think of a God that is a he. If God is a One then it is androgynous. I suspect it’s easier for women to think more in terms of an all-inclusive universe, as holistic thinkers. I think the God as he comes from men since they compartmentalize better, and shut out what they don’t understand (often to their detriment). It would make sense to argue that if anything, God is a she since women are the ones who can give birth, but that is also an incomplete picture. In both cases, the incompleteness of the picture is the ego getting in the way of what is.
I think if we are able to understand and honor our differences, we can achieve our greatest strengths by working together. Women may be able to make more connections, and men are better at identifying where we go wrong when we get overwhelmed, and executing. Working together makes problem solving and following through easier.